


Officer Black Hat

by Ranunculee



Category: Villainous (Cartoon)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Out of Character, based off of a mbmbam clip, god forgive me, i wrote this fic in under an hour and i never edited it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-15 12:32:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11806065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ranunculee/pseuds/Ranunculee
Summary: “Guess what we’re hav—”“I don’t wanna guess what we’re having. I’ll stick to potato salad and prepackaged Kroger cookies.”“Guess what we’re gonna be having.”“Are you going to grill and cook my butt meat that I put in the bucket to counterweight the portcullis?”“No, I got kosher franks. Don’t be a dick, Flug."





	Officer Black Hat

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Detective Jigsaw](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/316200) by Performed by McElroy Brothers, animated by Alexander Jenson. 



> i cannot believe that the first thing i write for this fandom is gonna be a crack fic based around a mbmbam bit
> 
> i wrote this in a little under an hour while my wi-fi was going in and out. enjoy

Flug woke up in a daze. “Ugh… what happened?”

Last thing he remembered, he was working a late night. Black Hat had offered him some weird-tasting coffee and aw shit. Yeah, that could have done it. The room was completely dark. He moved to stand up and fell over. “What the fuck?”

Flug lifted his hand. He investigated. His bare ass had a giant spiked manacle around it. He looked behind him.

His butt had been manacled to some hapless hero’s butt.

A TV screen came on directly in front of him. Black Hat appeared, sitting at his desk. “Tear your own butts off if you want to live,” he rasped. “Also, Flug, this is what you get for asking for a raise!”

Flug paused. “Just to clarify: you think being a professional scientist is hard, but much more difficult is being a professional villain?”

“And that is—that is an unfair assumption you made, Flug, I am not just a villain! I also—it takes a lot of work to make all these bone mazes! It’s a lot of work! Now pick up the bandsaw you find at your—”

“This is my fucking bandsaw! I let you borrow it!”

“You can have it back afterwards. You’ll have to find the key to my torture shed—”

“You gave me your spare keys!”

“Oh shit, that’s right. Anyway, fill up this bucket with your own butt meat—”

“No.”

“—and it’ll raise the portcullis—” 

“I don’t want to raise the portcullis.” Flug looked around some more. “Wait, is this your den?!”

“It is! Are we still going to have that evil barbecue?”

“Yes, we said we’d do it.”

“Guess what we’re hav—”

“I don’t wanna guess what we’re having. I’ll stick to potato salad and prepackaged Kroger cookies.”

“Guess what we’re gonna be having.”

“Are you going to grill and cook my butt meat that I put in the bucket to counterweight the portcullis?”

“No, I got kosher franks. Don’t be a dick, Flug. The butt meat—I can’t believe I have to explain this to you—the butt meat portcullis maze trap, it’s supposed to teach you about the value of your life and stuff. I love you! You just seemed really down lately and I want to make you appreciate the things that you have and the butt that you’re left with.”

The hero, who had remained dead silent through all of this, said “Uh, so can I go? Are you two gonna…”

Flug turned around to yell at the hero’s butt. “Hey, do you mind?! We’re working some shit out!” Then he grabbed the bandsaw and took it to his own butt, screaming. “Okay, I filled up the bucket with my butt meat to open the portcullis, can I go?”

Black Hat grinned. “One moment.”

He removed his top hat and tossed it offscreen, where it landed with a crash. Underneath, there was a policeman’s hat. “You’re also under arrest!” In a cloud of noxious smoke, he appeared in the butt meat portcullis den in full police uniform. “That’s right, Officer Black Hat reporting for duty!”

Flug dropped his head in his hands.

“I’m also a doctor and a lawyer,” Black Hat continued. “I have a lot of free time. Get in the paddy wagon!”

“Can I stand up in the paddy wagon? Do I have to sit down? Because I have a situation back here now.”

“I love you a lot.”

“I know, jefe.”

“So much.”

“I know, jefe.”

“Flug, sit up front. Come on, you don’t need to ride in the back with that other weiner. Put a towel down! We’ll listen to the new Adele album!”

“I bought you that new—”

“Thank you, you really know my tastes! It was a gift for my adult bar mitzvah!”

**Author's Note:**

> and it just cuts off bc i ran out of steam. don't take long writing hiatuses, kids. it fuccs u up


End file.
